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The musings of a hapless urbanite allotment keeper who has never grown vegetables before. The first challenge: tame the wild 4.5 rods rented for the princely sum of £15 a year before eviction. Said plot is currently a mass of undulating baked caked clods of earth topped by a huge tangle of weeds. The ethical question of course is: to ’round up’ or not ’round up’? Use evil chemicals or just plain old hard graft – neither are particularly appealing and right now the allotment has been lying untended for several months. The clock is ticking – maybe going public will inspire them to get going on this project (or just supply even more displacement tasks to stop them ever picking up a much needed fork).

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